So I'm trying to do this new art piece called Ashley's Blade that represents a concept of "steel wrapped in silk," but also is a pictorial representation of a friend of mine's spirit, hence the name Ashley in the title. There's a lot of elements about the piece I want to include and a lot of techniques I want to use... most of which I've never tried! I'm going all over the net tonight looking up reference photos and tutorials on how to use watercolor to make a metallic effect, and I'm just starting to feel overwhelmed by this piece before I've even gone to the art store to buy the damn canvas! I feel like a guy looking at a big mean bull going, "I bet I could ride it... but I'd probably get hurt."

I'm trying hard to feel adventurous here, but I want so badly for this piece to come out well. I want it to look better than all of the other pieces I've done in my fledgling art career. You can see what I mean by looking at the two new pieces going into my gallery after I finish writing this. These are old, old sketches from about 10 years ago, and yet, they are the best works I ever completed. I like them both (all except for the adult face of my dad in the middle of that montage of his life), but I can definitely see where I need to grow. I don't even know why I'm putting them up except as maybe a way to gain courage for myself that I can stick something out there for people to see, even if it sort of sucks.

But this new piece... I can see it in my head the way I want it to look, and I look at my two *best* efforts, and I just don't know if I'm up to the task. Where the hell am I supposed to find the courage to even begin this monster? The only thing I can think of is to attempt to practice each element separately first until I get the technique down before putting anything on the final canvas. Beyond that... clueless.

The one thing I do know... this piece is too important for me to not try to do it at all. My heart is beating with the image of this work in me, and it must come out, even if I don't have all the tools yet to get it to look the way I want to. I guess maybe I just have to resign myself to the fact that this is going to take a lot longer than I'd hoped. Who knows, Ashley. Maybe it'll be done in time for your birthday way off in November. That would be nice... and maybe not impossible.

~~Ellorien